by DarkMark
Which makes use of characters property of Marvel Comics. No money is being made from this story, no infringement is intended.
Being a speculation on how a Bob Newhart routine would
run on the following topic...
Hello, Ajax Construction and Contracting. Oh, hi,
Bob. What've you, ah, what've you got for us today?
New contract. Who's it from?
Xavier? OK, Charles Xavier. What's he want?
Renovation to his mansion? Well, that sounds fine.
What's he in the market for, Bob? Have you...
Why should I brace myself, Bob?
He wants a what?
He wants you to build a room and put what in it?
Now, please say that over again real slowly, Bob, so I
can make sure I heard you right.
Bob, let me see if I copy. You said the words "flame
throwers." Is that, uh, Bob, is that...
It's right.
Uh, Bob, has he described what these, uh, these flame
throwers are to be for?
Training students.
Right.
Training them for what?
Say that again, Bob, fighting evil what?
Mutants.
Uh, Bob, why does he want flame-throwers to, uh, train
them how to fight evil, uh, mutants? Wouldn't that be
kind of, well, assuming they're all like the Human
Torch or something?
That isn't the only thing?
He wants what?
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha...Bob, this is not April Fool's Day
retroactively is it?
He wants a steel block on a spring? Ah, Bob, how big
is the block?
He just wants it several tons.
What evil mutant is that supposed to represent, Jackie
Gleason?
There's more?
He wants gun implants in the walls? That fire mercy
bullets?
Bob, I've heard there are some schools that have tough
entry requirments, but doesn't this strike you as
rather extreme?
And the floor's supposed to...to open up in two halves
and...there's supposed to be something under it? Ah,
what kind of something, Bob?
He wants us to be creative. Okay, I guess we can be
that.
Bob. Honestly. How many James Bond movies has this
guy seen in his lifetime? And how many times has he
seen each one of them?
Seriously, why is he doing all these sorts of things?
Do you know why...he's calling it the what? The what
room?
Oh. Never would have guessed, personally.
And he wants, wants what now? Flashing lights and
klaxon horns to shake people up in the room? Uh, yes,
Bob, I can see that might be needed in addition to
the, uh, flame throwers and steel weight on a spring
and gun emplacements and all that. Wouldn't want
people getting complacent, after all.
Has this guy ever heard of a building code?
What do you mean, nobody's supposed to know? I've got
to have a crew of 100 guys out there with equipment to
get all this installed, and tell them, "Now, this
business of putting gun emplacements in the walls,
please don't tell anybody"?
No, I'm sorry. I, uh, just don't think we can, uh,
undertake something of this nature. Just tell Mr.
Xavier that we're booked solid, and we'll...what'd you
say?
Quadruple overtime?
He really did say 'Money is no object'? Nobody ever
really says that, Bob. He did?
You're sure of that?
(long pause)
Did he mention what caliber he wants the guns?