(to the tune of "Money For Nothing" by Dire Straits)

I want my, I want my, I want my Secret Wars...

Now look at them artists, that's the way you do it,
You draw for Marvel or you draw DC.
That ain't workin'!  That's the way you make it--
Money for comics and your fans for free!
Now, that ain't workin'!  That's the easy payoff.
Lemme tell ya, them guys ain't poor.
Maybe have to stay up late one night, yeah,
A-drawin' something, make a million more!

We got to sell Lady Death and Elvira,
Get these fanboys all quivery,
We got to move these Millie the Models,
We got to move these Secret Wars III!

See the little hoser with the ball cap and the Spawn pin,
Yeah, buddy, that's him, I guess.
That little hoser bought Brazil and China,
They sent ‘em to him Federal Express.

We got to sell these old Combat Kellys,
Throw a DeathMate in for free, maybe see,
We got to move these Impact and Valiant,
We got to move these Secret Wars III!

I shoulda learned to draw for comics,
Shoulda learned to write them scripts,
Looka that mama, think she's by Liefield,
Guess that's the reason that they call ‘em "strips"!
And what's up there?  Oh, yeah, they call it "Sandman".
About a guy who's s'posed to put us all to sleep?
And who's this fox?  She's Death?  You ain't just kiddin'?
Lend me your hip boots, ‘cause it's gettin' deep!

We got to sell off all these old Defenders,
Half an acre of X-Men daily, maybe more,
And when they think that we aren't really lookin'--
Here they bash us with Secret Wars IV!

Now that ain't workin', that's the way you make it.
You draw for Marvel or you draw DC.
That ain't workin', show you how to do it--
Write out the script and let your kingdom come.
Money for comics and your fans for free--
Money for comics and your fans for free--
(I want my, I want my, I want my Secret Wars)
Now keep them fanboys all away from me!
Money for comics...hey, that SPAWN ain't free!
That ain't workin'!

(Apologies to Mark Knopfler)

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