(Scene: A large TV stage.  Curtains open.  Cyclops is standing onstage with a large upright base, and Havok is playing an acoustic guitar with amp.

CYCLOPS AND HAVOK (singing):
 Crimson flames tied through my ears, rollin’ high and mighty traps
 Pounced with fire on flaming roads using ideas as my maps
 “We’ll meet on edges soon,” said I, proud ‘neath heated brow
 Ah, but I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now.

 Half-wracked prejudice leaped forth...

HAVOK: Wait a minute, wait a minute.

CYCLOPS: “Rip down all hate,” I...

(Havok grabs Cyclops’s fingers to stop them on the bass.)

HAVOK: Wait a minute, I said!

CYCLOPS: Alex, what are you, what are you doing?  We’ve got a song to sing here and you’ve stopped me right at the first stanza.

HAVOK: We’ve got to stop the song ‘cause the song doesn’t make any sense.

CYCLOPS: Oh?  And what makes you think the song doesn’t make any sense, Alex?  Why do you think that way?

HAVOK: Because...because it doesn’t, is why!

CYCLOPS: Why doesn’t it?

HAVOK: Because...well...because how can you be younger now than you were back then?  (pause) Well, there was Magneto back in ish #105, is this one of those things?

CYCLOPS: I don’t think so, Alex.

HAVOK: Oh, good.  I thought we were singing a song about Magneto for a moment.

CYCLOPS: ‘Fraid not, Alex.  Can we go on with the song?

HAVOK: I guess so.
(They start again.)

CYCLOPS AND HAVOK:
 “Half-wracked prejudice leaped forth,”
HAVOK: And kill that mutie scum!

(Song stops again.)

CYCLOPS: What?

HAVOK: Well, it seemed like the thing to sing at the time.

CYCLOPS: Alex, those are not the right words.

HAVOK: Well, they seemed right to me!  I mean, like, you talk about half-wracked prejudice, and to me, what happens next is somebody yells out, “KILL THAT MUTIE SCUM!”

CYCLOPS: Alex, those are NOT THE RIGHT WORDS!  This is a song written by Bob Dylan. Okay?  Bob Dylan was a very famous folk singer.

HAVOK: Was he a mutant?

CYCLOPS: No, Alex, he was not a mutant.  At least I don’t think so.

HAVOK: Then how can he sing about prejudice?  If he isn’t a mutant, what does he know about it, hah?  Maybe he’s one of the guys that yells, “KILL THAT MUTIE SCUM!”

CYCLOPS: NO, Alex!  There are many different kinds of prejudices.  Not just against mutants.

HAVOK: Not?

CYCLOPS: Definitely not.  There are people who are prejudiced against gays.  There are people who are prejudiced against Jews. There are people who are prejudiced against blacks.

HAVOK: And muties, too.

CYCLOPS: And muties, too, Alex.  You’re right about that.

HAVOK: Wow.  (Considers it.)  That means Kitty and Bishop must really have it tough!  “KILL THAT MUTIE JEWISH SCUM!  KILL THAT MUTIE BLACK SCUM!”

CYCLOPS: ALEX!

HAVOK: Gee, I never thought to ask if Bishop is Jewish.  That’d really be tough!  (Pause) ‘Course with a name like Bishop, it’d be kinda funny if he was Jewish.  (Pause) Unless, of course, his first name’s Joey.

CYCLOPS: Alex, will you just forget about it and sing the song?

HAVOK: Oh, all right.  But it sure is goofy.

CYCLOPS: It’s not lonely there, let me tell you.

CYCLOPS AND HAVOK: (singing)
 Half-wracked prejudice leaped forth,
 “Rip down all hate,” I screamed.
 Lies that life is black and white
 Spoke from my skull.  I dreamed
 Romantic facts of musketeers
 Foundationed deep, somehow.
 Ah, but I was so much older then,
 I’m younger than that...

HAVOK: Wait a minute, Scotty. Wait a minute!  Stop!

CYCLOPS: What is it NOW, Alex?

HAVOK: It still doesn’t make any sense to me!

CYCLOPS: This is new?

HAVOK: Well, that part about life not being black and white is okay by me.  Everybody knows we’ve got color graphics now.   But what’s this about “spoke from my skull”?  That doesn’t...

CYCLOPS: Alex, it’s allegorical.

HAVOK: It’s what?

CYCLOPS: It’s allegorical.  That means you don’t take the words literally, you look for their hidden meaning.

HAVOK: Hidden meaning?

CYCLOPS: Yes, Alex.

HAVOK: Okay.  (Pause) Hidden meaning.  Huh. (Pause. Then:) I got it!  I know what he’s talking about, Scott!

CYCLOPS: Okay.  That’s very good, Alex.  Now, let’s get on with the...

HAVOK: He’s talking about telepathy!  “Spoke from my skull...”  He has to be a telepath.  (Snickers) And you told me Bob Dylan wasn’t a mutant!

CYCLOPS: (sighing) Okay.  Okay, Alex.  If it will help you get through this song, I will agree, for the sake of the song, that Bob Dylan was a mutant.

HAVOK: He was?

CYCLOPS: He was.  Just for the sake of the song, I will agree to that.  Now can we...

HAVOK: How come Professor Xavier never invited him over to the Mansion?

(Long pause)

HAVOK: Come on, Scott, how come Professor Xavier never invited him over to the Mansion?

CYCLOPS: Alex, I...

HAVOK: Oh, I get it.  Magneto must have gotten to him first!

CYCLOPS: NO, Alex!  He wasn’t gotten to by either the Professor or Magneto.  Honest.  Neither one of them got to him.

HAVOK: He was an independent?

CYCLOPS: Yes.  He was an independent mutant folk singer.  Now.  Can we get on with the song, Alex?

HAVOK: Okay.

CYCLOPS AND HAVOK (singing):
 Girls faces formed the forward path
 From phony jealousy
 To memorizing politics
 Of ancient history
 Flung down by corpse evangelist
 Unthought of, though, somehow...

HAVOK: Uh, Scott...

CYCLOPS: Ah, but I was so much older...WHAT, Alex??

HAVOK: It still doesn’t make any sense.

CYCLOPS: Alex, will you SING THE SONG?

HAVOK: Well, why does anybody need to go around evangelizing corpses?

(Long pause)

HAVOK: I mean, honestly...

CYCLOPS: Alex...

HAVOK: ...They’re dead, right?  Why does somebody need to go around preaching to corpses?  I gotta admit, sometimes the folks looked like that on Sunday morning in my church, but...

CYCLOPS: ALEX...

HAVOK: Unless...oh, I got it!  It must be kind of like Jeannie was there for awhile.  I mean, she was dead twice, right?  And came back.  Twice.  So if she was the corpse he was evangelizing...gee, I hope it wasn’t Jimmy Swaggart...

CYCLOPS: Alex, you are RUINING THE ENTIRE SONG!!

HAVOK: Gee, I didn’t think there was that much of a job left to do on it.

CYCLOPS: Ladies and gentlemen, I want to apologize for my brother here.  If he had half the brains of a microcephalic camel...

HAVOK: Hey, now wait a minute, sibling!

CYCLOPS: ...he wouldn’t have made such a mess of this very fine song...

HAVOK: WHAT mess?  I mean, if Bob Dylan had just come out of the closet and said he was a mutant, everybody would understand!

CYCLOPS: Alex, Bob Dylan was not a mutant.

HAVOK: He wasn’t?

CYCLOPS: No, Alex.  He really wasn’t.

HAVOK: But...but he’s writin’ songs all about people hating mutie scum, and getting younger after he gets older, and telepathy, and evangelizin’ people in between when they’re dead, and...

CYCLOPS: Alex, I think YOU would be a great candidate for them to evangelize, from the neck up!

HAVOK: Hey, now, watch it, sibling!

CYCLOPS: No, you watch it!  You watch it!

HAVOK: At least I’M not the one running around with a bunch of kids from fourteen different timelines!  You make Papa Dionne look like a piker!

CYCLOPS: That is not fair, Alex!  Gee, I’m totally convinced about one thing now.

HAVOK: And what’s that?

CYCLOPS: When Mom dropped you out of the plane when we were kids, you landed on your head.

HAVOK: I did not!

CYCLOPS: You did!

HAVOK: I did not!  Curb your forked visor, knave!

CYCLOPS: If you weren’t immune to my optic-blasts, and if they wouldn’t sue us for a bundle for tearing up this stage...

HAVOK: Yeah, well, save it for the Marauders, wombmate!

CYCLOPS: Could we just get finished with the song?  PLEASE?

HAVOK: Okay, okay.

CYCLOPS AND HAVOK (singing again):
 A self-ordained professor’s tongue
 Too serious to fool
 Spouted out that liberty
 Is just equality in school...

HAVOK: HAH!  I KNEW it!

CYCLOPS: I fear to ask.  I shudder to ask.  You knew what, Alex?

HAVOK: Now he’s writin’ about professors and schools!  That’s a dead giveaway, Scott.  He had to be at the Mansion!

CYCLOPS: Alex...

HAVOK: The clues are all there, Scotty.  Bob Dylan was a mutie.  He had to be!  But if he knew the Professor, and the Professor never introduced him to us...(pause)...he must’ve wanted to keep him all to himself.  Gee.  That’s cheesy.

CYCLOPS (begins singing again, and Havok joins in):
 “Equality,” I spoke the word,
 As if in a wedding vow,
 Ah, but I was so much older then,
 I’m younger than that now.

(Long pause while Cyclops gives Havok the eye and just dares him to make trouble.  When he doesn’t, they go on.)

 In a soldier’s stance, I aimed my hand
 At the mongrel dogs who teach
 Fearing not I’d become my enemy
 In the instant that I preach...

HAVOK: Scott...

CYCLOPS: WHAT???

HAVOK: He was taught by mutant dogs?

(Dead silence)

HAVOK: Was it something like the High Evolutionary, maybe, with those mutated mutts and...

CYCLOPS: SING!

CYCLOPS AND HAVOK (singing one more time):
 My pathway led by confusion boats
 Mutiny from stern to bow
 Ah, but I was so much older then,
 I’m younger than that now.

(They go on playing.  And playing.  And playing.  Havok looks nervously at Scott.  Scott keeps looking at Havok, and playing.  And playing.  And playing.)

HAVOK: Uh, Scott?

CYCLOPS: Mm-hmm?

HAVOK: Isn’t there another verse, like?

CYCLOPS: Mm-hmmm.

HAVOK: Well, why aren’t we...

CYCLOPS: Because I’m waiting for you to say something stupid.

HAVOK: I’m not saying anything stupid!  You tell me Bob Dylan’s not a mutant, but he sings about all these things, and about all this stuff, and you tell me to look for the hidden alleys...

CYCLOPS: Allegories.

HAVOK: All right, gory alleys, have it your way, sibling.  And it’s all there, and you just couldn’t see it, but I could!  Now if I can see it, and you can’t, what does that make me?  Hah?  Come on, brother, what does that make me?  I wanna know!

CYCLOPS: Okay, I think we can go on with the last verse now.

CYCLOPS AND HAVOK (singing):
 Yes, my guard stood hard when abstract threats
 Too noble to neglect
 Deceived me into thinking
 I had something to protect
 Good and bad, I define these terms
 Quite clear, no doubt, somehow...

(Long pause)

HAVOK: Uh, Scott?

CYCLOPS: I’m just waiting for you to throw in a comment about good and evil mutants after that line there.

HAVOK (Confused, then smug, speaks to audience): I knew he’d get it sooner or later!

CYCLOPS AND HAVOK (singing):
 But Magneto was much older then,
 He’s younger than that now!

*********

The song is “My Back Pages,” it really was written by Bob Dylan, it’s copyright 1964 by M. Witmark and Sons, and it is used totally without permission.  As were Cyclops and Havok, who are property of Marvel Comics.  If anybody’s making money off this story, it’s news to me.  It sure wasn’t intended to.  No infringement was intended, neither.  Honest.  It just seems that way, sometimes.

Blame this one on all of you who liked the Bob Newhart sketch. ;-)

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